These Robotically Similar Reactions To The Derek Chauvin Verdict Will Inspire You
You probably have noticed that corporations, academic institutions, elected officials, and virtually everyone else with a public-facing profile is extraordinarily passionate about “the work” of rectifying racial injustice in the United States. Often their passion compels them to recite almost the exact same words and phrases in response to current events, such as the Guilty verdict rendered Tuesday in the trial of Derek Chauvin. These displays of independent thought and moral reasoning are worthy of our deep and everlasting gratitude.
Some reactions to the verdict were abnormally intense, such as that of Vermont state legislator Kesha Ram, who reported having something like an out-of-body experience:
But more typical were corporations, academic institutions, and elected officials vowing their resolve to continue “work” of an unspecified nature. Professional sports franchises have especially placed themselves at the vanguard of this new revolutionary consciousness. For example, the Minnesota Wild hockey team proclaimed that there is “still much work to be done.” And although the precise details of the forthcoming “work” were not clarified, we can all rest easy knowing that this hockey team has pledged its commitment to doing work of some kind, at some point in the future.
The Buffalo Sabres hockey team also appeared to agree that there is “so much more work to be done.” Undoubtedly the similarities in the phrasing of these post-verdict statements are sheer happenstance and warrant no further inquiry. After all, it’s difficult to fathom that talking points could be purposely synchronized across the PR units of commercial industries. Surely the Minnesota Wild and Buffalo Sabres hockey teams arrived at the same wordage totally autonomously, by way of their careful study of the relevant issues at hand. And for that they are owed our eternal thanks.
By astonishing coincidence, Brian Cornell, the CEO of Target Corporation, also agreed with this sentiment in nearly the exact same language. “Today’s verdict does not mean that our work is done. There’s much more to do,” he vowed. As did the web-based food delivery service Grubhub, which likewise affirmed that “much more work must be done.” Andrew Dreyfus, the CEO of Blue Cross Blue Shield of Massachusetts, similarly decreed, “Much work remains to be done.” Pohlad Group, a Minnesota business conglomerate with holdings in everything from commercial real estate to robotic automation, couldn’t contain itself and declared before the verdict was even issued that “whatever the jury decides, there will still be much work to do.”
Pledges of an uncannily similar nature came in hot and heavy. How this much “work” could ever be completed is anyone’s guess:
Uber CEO Dara Khosrowshahi: “We all have more work to do”
American Airlines CEO Doug Parker: “We know there is more work to do”
Starbucks CEO Kevin Johnson: “We know there is so much more work to do”
Nationwide CEO Kirt Walker: “We recognize there is still much work to be done”
Atrium CEO Eugene Woods: “There’s much more work to be done”
Cisco President Shannon Leininger: “There is still so much work to be done”
Stephen Colbert: “There is more work to be done”
Jimmy Fallon: “There’s still a lot of work to be done”
Washington Governor Jay Inslee: “There is still much work to do”
Maryland Attorney General Brian Frosh: “Work remains to be done”
Denver Mayor Michael Hancock: “We have much work still to do”
Los Angeles Unified School District Board Member Jackie Goldberg: “There is still so much work to be done”
South Carolina Senator Tim Scott: “We know there is more work to be done”
Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders: “There's a lot of work that has to be done”
Minnesota Governor Tim Walz: “We still have so much more work to do”
Nevada Senator Jacky Rosen: “We have so much work to do”
Oregon Congressman Peter DeFazio: “We know the work is not done”
Connecticut Congresswoman Jahana Hayes: “There is much work to be done”
Iowa State Representative Ras Smith: “There is so much more work to be done”
Gainesville, Florida Mayor Lauren Poe: “There is still work to be done”
Buffalo, New York Mayor Byron Brown: “There is still so much work to be done”
Illinois Governor J. B. Pritzker: “As long as there’s more work to be done, that’s what we’ll do”
Harris County, Texas Judge Lina Hidalgo: “There’s much more work to be done”
California State Senator Mike McGuire: “There’s so much work that still needs to be done”
Brookhaven, Georgia Mayor John Ernst: “There is still a lot of work to be done”
Virginia House of Delegates Member Joshua Cole: “There is still more work to be done”
Florida Agricultural Commissioner Nikki Fried: “There's still a whole lot of work to be done”
Utah Congressman Chris Stewart: “There is still work to be done”
Michigan Lieutenant Governor Garlin Gilchrist: “The work is not done”
Washington State Superintendent of Public Instruction Chris Reykdal: “We have a lot of work to do”
New Jersey State Assemblyman Bill Moen: “We all have more work to do”
Ames, Iowa Community School District Superintendent Jenny Risner: “There is still much work to be done”
Virginia Superintendent of Public Instruction James Lane: “There is much more work to be done”
Dallas County, Texas Judge Clay Jenkins: “There is much work to be done”
Chapel Hill, North Carolina Councilman Michael Parker: “There is so much work to be done”
University of Massachusetts, Amherst Chancellor Kumble R. Subbaswamy: “There is much more work to be done”
American University President Sylvia Burwell: “There is still so much work to be done”
University of Minnesota President Joan Gabel: “Much work remains to be done”
University of Southern California Football Team: “We realize there is much work that needs to be done”
University of Georgia President Jere Morehead: “We know that much work remains to be done”
Yale University Dean James Bundy: “We know there is much work to be done”
San Francisco State University President Lynn Mahoney: “There is much work to be done”
Columbia University Dean Carlos Alonso: “There is work yet to be done”
Syracuse University Chancellor Kent Syverud: “There is much work to be done”
Ohio University President M. Duane Nellis: “There is more work to be done”
Portland State University President Stephen Percy: “There is still much work to be done”
Washington State University Chancellor Dave Cillay: “There is still much work to be done”
Metropolitan State University President Virginia Arthur: “Much work remains to be done”
National District Attorneys Association: “More work remains to be done”
National League of Cities CEO Clarence Anthony: “We know that there is much more work to be done”
San Francisco Museum of Modern Art: “We know that there is still much work to be done”
San Francisco Bar Association: “We recognize that there is much more work to be done”
Greenpeace USA Chief Program Officer Lindsey Allen: “There is so much more work to be done”
American Federation of Teachers President Randi Weingarten: “There is still much work to be done”
Jewish Community Relations Council: “There is still much more work to be done”
New York City Public Library: “There is so much work to be done”
NBA Commissioner Adam Silver: “There is much work to be done”
Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau: “There’s an awful lot of work to do”
US President Joe Biden: “We can’t leave this moment or look away thinking our work is done”
Best Buy: “Best Buy’s unwavering commitment to this work is as strong as ever”
For anyone curious about the underlying ideological connotations of these pledges, Eric Barron, the President of Penn State University, went further in his prescriptions vis-a-vis the necessity of more “work.” He opined:
As Angela Davis, and others, have said, “It is not enough to be non-racist. Each of us must work to be anti-racist.” Anti-racism involves actively identifying and eliminating racism through change of systems, organizational structures, policies and attitudes. This work must never end.
“PlayStation will remain committed to addressing racial inequity” is a sentence that was also corporately endorsed and published on Tuesday. Professional networking website LinkedIn said it “remains committed to encouraging important conversations about race and keeping this community a safe place” — so perhaps you can look forward to your email inbox being spammed with endless invitations to engage in such “important conversations” that are not just important, but “safe.”
President Joseph R. Biden, Jr., himself newly fluent in the language of therapeutic trauma jargon — no doubt as a result of him closely reviewing all the latest medical literature on the subject — had this to share in addition to his requisite “work”-related comments:
Everyone in the fields of corporate/academic/political communications is just so traumatized and exhausted, so please spare a moment’s thought in recognition of their crippling labor.
This is only a small sampling of the outpouring of organically-generated solidarity on display since the verdict came down. As you continue reflecting and “reckoning” and educating yourself, remember to seek out additional examples from your favorite faceless institutions. Then you may resume watching Netflix and ordering DoorDash.
It’s because they bought the base version of Platitoody®. If you upgrade to the Pro version, it scans Twitter for clichés of the day and, for example, substitutes “the struggle endures” for “work to be done”. There’s also a Pledge Package, a Remorse Reciter, and a Dox ‘n’ Damner.
Have any of these fucking assholes spoken out against looting and burning businesses for a political end? No?
Then, I'll ignore anything that they have to say, thank you very much.